I help couples heading toward divorce over money find their way back. Here’s how it’s done

Nothing ruins an otherwise healthy relationship faster than the immense pressures of debt. Financially aligned couples report greater overall happiness, satisfaction with their relationship and even better sex. These are their tricks. Try them. Put your whole heart and effort into them. This mission to align on money might just be the thing that keeps you out of divorce court and helps you find your way forward, together.

Start talking — safely

As with most healthy relationships, communication is key. Financially aligned couples make it a priority to talk about money regularly, positively (even during tough times) and proactively. 

You might be thinking that these are long, drawn-out, highly charged conversations, but most of the time they should take just a few minutes. These conversations are a weekly occurrence between couples, and centre on what’s coming up with their money (big expenses such as a car repair or camp registration for the kids), any shifts or changes to their collective goals, and brainstorming ideas that might save money immediately (meal planning for the week, cancelling subscription, etc.).

Psychological safety is critically important in healthy communication about money. The only way these conversations will be positive and constructive is if each party feels comfortable sharing openly and honestly. This means no finger-pointing, no name-calling, no abusive or controlling behaviour. You need to focus on money problems as a team, and get to the root cause so it doesn’t become a pattern.

If there is a complete communication block, a financial therapist can be a huge help in getting through the impasse.

Create a spending plan

Call it whatever you want, a budget, a spending plan. This exercise identifies all sources of income and the expenses running through the household. Your goal is to figure out where all the money is going, if current spending is aligned with your core values as a couple, and ensure spending is less than what’s coming in; otherwise you’ll go into debt. Use a budget template and spending tracker to help with this. You’ll need to crack open your statements and online banking together.

In your spending plan, make room for saving. Over time you’ll want to save 10 to 15 per cent of your household income for retirement through work plans, RRSPs and TFSAs. Another five per cent should be allocated for short-term savings (can be used for emergencies, repairs, vacations, kid stuff and more). If you flip this around, it means you’ll be building your budget so that you’re living off of 80 to 85 per cent of your income, making it possible to save for your future. And couples that prioritize saving are generally happier, because savings are the gateway to financial security and less stress. This savings effort takes time and requires lifestyle changes. Be patient and stick with it.

Making a budget or spending plan requires complete transparency to be effective, especially if the couple operates separate banking accounts. Couples often try to skip this step — I know, because I work on both sides of this (pre-union and pre-nups, and divorce proceedings). They say “Lesley-Anne, we don’t really want to invade each other’s privacy so can you just tell us how we should spend our money, instead.”

I certainly can advise on an ideal budget framework, but my response is always that you can’t fix what you can’t see. If both partners aren’t brutally honest with each other about how they’re spending their money, how that’s impacting each other financially and emotionally, or even how much they’re making, there is a very low chance that the marriage will survive. Transparency grows trust and lack of it grows resentment. 

If this budgeting step is overwhelming, a qualified money coach can assist in mediating and collating your spending and income information.

Take your dreams and turn them into a plan

This begins with thinking about what you and your partner want within the next five to 10 years, then broadening that vision to retirement (it’s OK if you can’t see that far down the road; start with this next year, and expand when you’re ready).

The vision then gets broken down into a handful of actionable goals such as “pay off consumer debt” or “invest more money this year in RRSPs and TFSAs” or “build an emergency fund.” You can get tactical once you have a few anchor goals; like “delete food-ordering apps and use this money to pay extra on our credit card balance each week.” It’s tricky to work on more than two to three financial goals in a year, so keep things simple. 

Hopefully you and your partner are seeing some of the same goals — if not, it might be a sign that you are, indeed, two ships heading in different directions. But in my experience helping couples with their finances for more than 17 years, most can find common ground on a few anchor goals, and get to work on them.

The next step is to turn the goals into a financial plan. A plan includes an income assessment, retirement projections, regular net-worth tracking and future targets (assets minus liabilities — you’ll want your net worth to grow every month). 

Financial planners and advisers can help you build this plan, run models and projections, and guide you on the investments suitable to your risk level as well as how to save the most money possible on taxes. They can also sound the alarm if there’s a big issue with your finances.

Think it’s not worth the money to hire professionals to help you work through this rough patch? Think again. Couples who invest in their financial well-being are more likely to stay together because their core values become more aligned, and they retire with more money than couples who don’t.

I’ve watched feuding couples try these techniques for a few months and fall back in love with each other, finding deeper intimacy and joy. Sometimes, after a year of giving it their best shot, it’s clear things aren’t going to work. Either way, you should try, because it’s going to put the two of you in a healthier financial position regardless of the outcome.

This article was originally published in The Star. Lesley-Anne Scorgie is a Toronto-based personal finance columnist and a freelance contributing columnist for the Star.